Neunundneunzig

Maybe I'm just not meant for something like that. Or I'm at the daftness level of a 13-year-old. Sometimes I feel like I don't feel anything anymore, then I don't know if I just need to learn everything from scratch, including feeling. Maybe feeling comes dropwise. I stopped longing on March 27, because what good had longing ever done for me? I haven't taken it up again yet. Am I permanently damaged?

On the thin line between rationalism and belief in the unseen workings I lean towards the latter, I have noticed lately. My miracle worker better-than-therapy-treatment-lady could have told me again what she felt - had I only asked her. Why did I not do it? Because I felt this was too private to lay out in front of her? Because I still don't know what to make of last year's outburst (Was she simply trying to soothe me? Was she imagining things, like her gift?)? Or because I was too afraid of what she'd tell me? ("You gave in too soon."? - Well, hello, I had to save myself from going lunatic. "Yes, I have a good feeling, I'm getting something." - I'm not sure if I would really be crazy about that. "Hmm, no, this is a temporary thing. The lion will be back." - I'm not sure I'd be happy with that either. Tricky. I feel as if glossing it over is the only way to make me happy. V mature.)

"I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through." (Madonna) - Past and future. Not the present.